Independence

The biggest topic around here these days is the one thing I forgot to mention in my last post. I swear, I'm losing my mind these days and lack of sleep could have something to do with that.

Saturday night, I put Autumn to sleep at night in her big girl crib for the first time. I know this sounds crazy, but I have been dreading this day for a long time. I really loved having her next to me while I slept, but she has been getting bigger by the day and was starting to outgrow her co-sleeper. I would wake up and her legs would be hanging out of the bed! As you can tell, I've been putting this day off for a long time. I have to admit, I was a mess. I prepared for this by buying a video monitor (which I swore to myself I would never need!) and setting it up next to her sound monitor in her bed and my room. After the long week that we had, she zonked out quickly in her crib. When I went to bed, I went in to check on her and of course, she was fine. Throughout the night, I probably woke up every 45 minutes to check on her remotely. In the morning, at 8am, I woke up to my monitor beeping because the base had been turned off. I assumed that Jeremy went in to get her and so I tried to go back to sleep. However, the monitor kept beeping. I couldn't figure out why Jeremy wouldn't just come in to the room to turn off the monitor so I could keep sleeping, so I headed to Autumn's room to ask him why! Well, I found that my little stinker had crawled up in to the corner and had turned the monitor off herself. I could just imagine her saying "Mama, don't listen to me anymore!".

Tonight is the fourth night in a row that she's going to be alone in her room for the night. I completely understand that it is important for her to be in her room at night but it is hard for me to comprehend. I have always been one to imagine the worst, which is what I'm doing in this situation. What if there is a fire in the house and I can't get to her? What if someone breaks in to the house and gets her first? Although in reality, I know that these things are unlikely to actually happen, in my mind, these are the things that could. And to be completely honest, I do not want to live one second on this earth without my little girl. And I will do anything, and I mean anything to protect her. My way of protecting her up until 4 days ago was keeping her beside me, even when I sleep. It's just going to take a while to get used to, but I'm sure she'll appreciate this when she's older and I'm not still stuffing her in that tiny co-sleeper!

I did not know how much I would love her. It's completely impossible to quantify it. I just know that the world is a better place with her in it and I'm lucky to be her mommy. And every morning when I get to go in and pick her up, I am the one who gets to see that big smile, like she's saying "well, there you are"! And that moment every day may just make all of this worry worth the trouble.